I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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