Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
