How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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