My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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