I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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