I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
