your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
