I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
