my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
