You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
