Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
