Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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