u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
