it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
