I heard we made out
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
