Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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