I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
