Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
