I faked an abortion last night.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
