I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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