Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
