i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
