The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
