Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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