Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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