Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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