Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
