I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
