I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
