at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
