Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
