bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
