Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
