saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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