This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
