if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize