There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
