it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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