Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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