I think I died a long time ago.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
pray to the hookup gods
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
