she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
