dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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