We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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