so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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