I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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