Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize