beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
