He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
