just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
