My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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