how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
