If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
